My child refuses to speak the minority language – 3 fixes that actually work
- Ka Yee Meck
- Nov 28
- 6 min read
You are speaking to your child in the target language.
You think you are doing everything right.
But your child simply refuses to speak it back.
They might understand most of what you say, yet they just will not use the minority language.
And it feels like you have hit a wall you cannot break through.
I have been there too – and honestly, it feels so... FRUSTRATING.
In this post, I am sharing the three fixes that helped our family move past that wall and get our son actually using our languages in daily life. They are practical, honest, and rooted in real experience. Best of all, they can be implemented TODAY!
Our story: from “maybe we should give up” to trilingual kids
Hi, I am Ka Yee – a professional translator and mum of two trilingual kids. My husband and I are raising our children to speak Russian, Mandarin Chinese, and English while living here in the UK.
To the outside world, it looks impressive.
People often tell us,
“Your kids are so lucky!”
or
“It is amazing they speak three languages!”
But what they do not see is the messy middle. The STRUGGLE!
We were very close to giving up when my son was three, back in 2019.
He understood a lot, but he preferred English and defaulted to English. After months of trying and failing, we genuinely wondered whether English had simply “won”.
My husband and I gradually accepted the idea that maybe this whole trilingual thing wasn't meant to be...
Then, by chance, we met a French dad who had successfully raised bilingual children. Our conversation completely changed how we approached our own situation. We made a few key adjustments, and within three months our son started speaking all three of his languages.
This post is the honest version of what actually worked for us – no sugarcoating, no magical thinking, just three real fixes you can start today if your child refuses to speak the minority language.
Fix 1 – Dial down the pressure and understand the “why”
Before you try any techniques, start here: too much pressure backfires.
When a child senses frustration, disappointment or tension, their brain goes into self-protection mode. Speaking suddenly feels risky, scary or stressful. If your child is not speaking the target language, your first step is not to push harder but to remove the pressure and get curious about what is happening underneath.
Are they shy?
Scared of mistakes?
Struggling with a particular sound?
Feeling awkward because everyone else speaks English?
Worrying that siblings or friends might laugh?
Sometimes simply reframing the situation – seeing them not as “defiant” but as “protecting themselves” – changes how you approach the whole thing.
Gentleness does matter here. It rebuilds connection and openness, and it stops the minority language from becoming a battleground.
Because if this turns into an emotional battle, you will lose every single time!! (Yeah, no parent in the history of mankind has ever won an emotional battle against a screaming toddler or young child 😂)
Start with safety, empathy and curiosity.
But… gentleness alone will not cut it.
That is where the tough love comes in – and it is aimed at us.
Fix 2 – Be tougher on yourself: maximise input and consistency
Before we expect output from our children, we need to be honest about the input we are actually giving them. This is the uncomfortable part – the tough love for the adults involved.
A few days ago, while waiting for my son to finish martial arts, I overheard a mum speaking heavily accented English to her daughter. The child answered in perfect English. Then, in the middle of the conversation, the mum switched for a single sentence in Chinese – and immediately returned to English afterwards.
I see this pattern often.
Parents say things like...
"It is so hard…"
"My child refuses to speak our language!"
"It is impossible!"
But in daily life, the parent is not consistently speaking the minority language themselves.
I say this with love, because this was me too!
When my son refused to speak Mandarin, my instinct was,
“He will not speak it. It is too hard.”
But was I giving him a rich language environment?
Was I using Mandarin consistently?
Was I doing daily routines in the minority language?
Not really... At least, not all the time, not to the best of my ability.
And that realisation was tough.
The truth is simple: you cannot control the outcome, but you can control your input.
For most families, massively boosting consistency is the fastest way to get unstuck. This might mean sticking to a strategy like OPOL more firmly, using the minority language for everyday routines, reading aloud daily, or simply shifting your own default so that when you speak to your child, the minority language comes out naturally.
Once the emotional atmosphere is calm (Fix 1) and the input is consistent (Fix 2), your child is in a much safer and more prepared place for the next step.
Fix 3 – Set gentle but firm expectations: ask them to reply in the target language
Here comes the controversial one.
Some people will not like hearing it, but it is true: if there is no need to speak the language, your child will not speak it.
Children take the path of least resistance. If English gets them everything, they will choose English. (or whatever the majority language is where you live)
Many parents tell me they do not want to “force” their child.
They worry their child will resent them or feel pressured.
I understand that fear, resistance, reluctance... I really do!
But asking your child to reply in the minority language – kindly, consistently, and with support – is, in my opinion, not cruel.
Parents do far more "cruel" things in the name of development: sleep training, brushing teeth, learning to swim, doing homework.
Using a language is also a skill that takes hard work to acquire!
When our son was three, we spent three months gently creating “need” at home. Whenever he replied in English, we would simply say, “Can you say that in Chinese?” or “Can you say that in Russian?” If he did not know the words, we helped him build the sentence and repeated it with him.
And the key is: we did this with firmness, but also kindness.
No shame.
No scolding or yelling.
Just patient redirection.
Here is the surprising part: he never once had a tantrum or meltdown during those three months (at least not BECAUSE of having to speak Russian/ Chinese!).
Why?
Because we had already lowered the emotional pressure and increased the input. He understood the languages well and felt safe. So when we introduced the expectation of replying in the minority language, it felt like a gradual next step rather than a sudden demand.
It required patience and consistency. But it worked!
The framework in one place
If your child refuses to speak the minority language, here is the framework that helped us break through that brick wall:
Fix 1 – Dial down the pressure. Reduce emotional tension. Understand the underlying “why”.
Fix 2 – Be tougher on yourself. Increase your own consistency and input. Make the minority language a normal, everyday presence.
Fix 3 – Set clear, gentle expectations. Ask your child to reply in the minority language and support them when they get stuck.
This three-part approach transformed our son’s language use when he was three, and I hope it helps your family too.
A final word of encouragement
If your child is not speaking the minority language yet, please know this: you are not failing, you are not alone, and you are not too late.
Many parents have been through what you're going through now, and many have found a way to smash through the brick wall.
Small, consistent changes WILL add up.
Your child is capable of more than you think.
In my book Bilingual and Trilingual Parenting 101 – which has helped thousands of families worldwide – I explain the "Bootcamp Method" which helped our son achieve his major breakthrough in more detail. Do check it out! https://amzn.to/4iflhCy
You have got this. I am cheering you on.
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