Why motivation fails in bilingual families (and what actually works)

If you’ve ever felt really fired up about raising bilingual or trilingual kids, only to find yourself slipping back into English a few days later, this post is for you.

Because here’s the uncomfortable truth: motivation is not enough to raise bilingual kids.

When families rely on motivation alone, the pattern is often the same. You start strong. You feel inspired. You’re consistent for a while.

And then life happens – your child pushes back, energy drops, and before you know it, you’re back where you started, wondering whether this whole thing is even worth the effort.

The good news?

There is something that works far better than motivation. And once you understand it, everything starts to feel a lot more sustainable.

In case you're new here...

Hi, I’m Ka Yee. I’m a Chartered Chinese–English translator and a qualified language teacher. For the past nine years, my Russian husband and I have been raising our two children to be trilingual here in the UK.

We’ve made mistakes. We’ve had long stretches where things simply weren’t working. And we’ve had moments where we seriously questioned whether we should keep going at all.

So if you’re feeling stuck or discouraged right now, you’re not alone – and you’re exactly who this post is for. I want to explain why motivation fails, what to do instead, and then walk you through a simple three-step process you can actually use.

The real problem: why motivation fails

Here’s the pattern I see again and again.

A parent gets fired up. Maybe you meet another bilingual family. Maybe you watch a video. Maybe you have a great conversation with a friend who’s raising bilingual kids. Something clicks, and you think: Right. We’re doing this properly now.

So you start speaking the target language at home. You’re consistent – for now. Your motivation is sky-high, and it genuinely feels like this might work.

And then the first pushback happens.

Your child ignores you. They reply in English. They pretend not to understand. Or they say it outright: “Stop speaking to me in that language. I don’t like it.”

Suddenly, that motivation you had just evaporates. You start doubting yourself. You ease off “just for now”. Days go by. Weeks. Months. Sometimes even years.

Eventually, many parents quietly resign themselves to the idea that their child will grow up monolingual – not because that’s what they wanted, but because they couldn’t keep restarting forever.

Here’s the key thing I want you to hear: this doesn’t happen because you’re weak.

It happens because motivation is fragile.

It’s not reliable, especially when you’re doing something long-term and emotionally demanding like raising bilingual children.

The first shift that changes everything: IDENTITY

The most important shift isn’t about tactics, routines, or schedules. It’s about identity.

When bilingualism is something you merely try to do, it remains optional. And optional things are always the first to disappear when life gets busy.

But when bilingualism becomes part of who you are as a family, something fundamental changes. You start wanting your actions to align with your identity, because when they don’t, that mismatch – cognitive dissonance – feels uncomfortable.

Let me give you a real-life example.

Imagine you’re trying to lose weight. Instead of jumping on a fad diet, you tell yourself: I want to be a healthy person. I am someone who values being fit and healthy so I can be more present for my family and more productive at work.

Now someone at work offers you a doughnut. Not any doughnut, by the way – a KRISPY KREME doughnut, complete with yummy chocolate fillling.!! You pause and think: What would a healthy person – someone who values discipline and long-term wellbeing – do right now?

Leaning into that identity makes you STRONGER: you're more LIKELY to say NO., because saying YES would clash with how you see yourself.

The same principle applies to raising multilingual kids. You stop relying on motivation alone, because long-term motivation can only be sustained when it’s anchored in identity.

Why this works: the “onion” idea from Atomic Habits by James Clear

This idea isn’t just personal experience. It’s something James Clear explains beautifully in his highly influential, must-read book, Atomic Habits.

James Clear describes behaviour change as having three layers, like an onion.

The outer layer is outcome-based change – what you want to achieve. For example: “I want my child to be bilingual.”

The middle layer is process-based change – what you do. Speaking the target language, reading books, setting routines.

But the innermost layer, the core of the onion, is identity – who you believe you are.

Clear argues that most people start with the outer or middle layers and completely ignore the core. But an onion that’s hollow inside doesn’t hold its shape. It’s not good for much – and it certainly won’t make a very good spaghetti bolognese!

The same is true here. If your identity hasn’t shifted, your habits won’t stick, no matter how motivated you feel right now.

So instead of saying, “I’m trying to raise a bilingual child”, an identity-based version sounds like: “We are a bilingual family. We value language learning and being multicultural.”

This shift anchors everything else.

Turning identity into something real: a 3-step exercise

Before we move on, I want to be clear about something. This isn’t meant to be another post you read, nod along to, and then forget about. That changes nothing.

I want this to feel like a personal coaching session. If you can, pause for a moment, grab a notebook, and do this properly. You’ll get far more value from this than from consuming ten more pieces of content. You can also watch the video and follow along.

Step 1: Find Your “Why”

Ask yourself: Why do I want to raise my child to be bilingual or trilingual?

Be honest. It needs to be your real reason.

For us, it wasn’t primarily about extended family. It was about opportunity, open-mindedness, and giving our children a bigger future. Your reason might be completely different – and that’s absolutely fine.

Write it down. This will become your north star on the days when things feel hard.

Step 2: Visualise Your Future Family

Close your eyes and picture your family in the future.

What does being a bilingual or multilingual family look like? What does it feel like?

For me, trilingualism evokes images of travel, connection, and ease across cultures. It creates a feeling of freedom and expansiveness, as if we’re not confined to one place or one language.

Sit with that feeling for a moment and notice what comes up.

Step 3: Create a Simple Mission Statement

Now write down any words, images, or feelings that came to mind. Turn them into a simple mission or value statement.

For example:

We are a family that values connection, culture, and communication.

We are raising our children to be bilingual so they can move confidently between worlds.

It doesn’t need to be perfect. It just needs to feel authentic for your family at this stage of your journey. Trust me – this will become your anchor on the difficult days.

Final Thoughts

This is the first step towards permanent change. Not short-term motivation, but long-term identity.

In future posts and videos, I’ll break down how to turn this identity into daily habits that actually work, so progress continues even when motivation inevitably dips. Watch this space, or better still, subscribe to my YouTube channel and hit the notification bell so you'll be the first to know when new videos come out!