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So, Your Partner Doesn’t Speak Your Language—Is That a Dealbreaker?
If you and your partner don’t speak each other’s language but still want to raise bilingual (or even trilingual) kids, you might wonder if it’s possible.
My husband and I have been on this journey for eight years now, raising our kids to be trilingual in English, Mandarin, and Russian. He doesn’t speak Chinese, and my Russian is… let’s say, on a five-year-old’s level!
Yet, we HAVE found ways to make it work.
In this post, I’ll share what we’ve learned from our personal experience, along with practical strategies you can use if you’re in a similar situation. If you prefer video, check out my YouTube video exploring this topic!
Is It Possible to Raise Bilingual Kids in a Mixed-Language Household?
One of the most common questions I hear from parents is:
Can you raise bilingual kids when you and your partner don’t speak each other’s language and only share the majority language?
Absolutely!
My family’s experience, along with plenty of research, shows that it’s possible to successfully raise bilingual (or trilingual) kids, even when each parent speaks a different language. If you’ve been told it’s impossible, don’t believe it—there is definitely hope.
In fact, just recently, I overheard a conversation between two mums at my kids’ school. One of them, who was from an African country, mentioned that her husband is English, and she said, “It’s a pity my children only speak English… my husband doesn’t speak my language, so it’s really hard to raise our kids to be bilingual.”
I was SO tempted to jump in and say, “Hey, there is hope! Try ‘One Parent, One Language’!”
So let’s talk about how this method can work for you, even in mixed-language households.
Tip 1: Try One Parent, One Language (OPOL)
The One Parent, One Language (OPOL) approach is a fantastic option for mixed-language households. With OPOL, each parent consistently uses their own language when speaking to the child. This way, the child naturally associates each language with a particular parent, which helps with language consistency.
For example, in our family, I speak exclusively in Chinese with our kids, while my husband speaks to them in Russian. When we’re all together, we usually speak English, so the whole family can communicate easily. This approach has helped our kids pick up both languages naturally over time.
I still remember one family trip to Turkey when we’d been using OPOL for a few years. A young English couple staying at our hotel was so intrigued that we each spoke a different language to our kids—they were honestly confused by it! They couldn’t understand how we managed it, but for us, it’s become second nature.
Why OPOL Works:
So, even if it feels a bit strange at first to be the only one using a language your partner doesn’t understand, trust me—it CAN work!
Tip 2: Try To Learn Each Other’s Language
Another tip that can make bilingual parenting easier in a mixed-language household is to learn a bit of your partner’s language.
When we were expecting our first child, I already knew I wanted to understand the Russian that my husband would speak to him, so I started learning Russian through textbooks and online lessons on iTalki. Even though my Russian is still limited, it’s nice to understand some of what my husband and kids say to each other.
And even though my husband claims he’s “hopeless” at languages, he’s picked up some Chinese here and there. It’s really fun when he tries to say a phrase like, “Nimen e le!” (You guys are hungry!), especially since our kids say it about 200 times a day!
The kids love it when he joins in, even if he “messes it up” sometimes—it keeps things lighthearted and fun.
Why Learning Each Other’s Language Helps:
I want to stress that this step is optional but valuable. OPOL can work without you speaking each other’s language, but learning basic phrases reduces potential tensions.
You won’t feel as left out during family conversations, and it also models the importance of language learning for your kids.
Tip 3: Bolster the Minority Language(s)
When raising bilingual or trilingual kids, the minority language (the one spoken less in your environment) often needs extra support to thrive.
I’ll go back to that mum from my kids' school I mentioned earlier.
Imagine if she adopted OPOL, speaking to her kids only in Swahili, while her husband used English. Even with this setup, her kids would probably get far more exposure to English—through school, friends, and daily life. It’s common in OPOL households for one language to get less exposure than the other.
Practical Tips to Strengthen the Minority Language:
1. Consistency: Be as consistent as possible with the minority language, even though it can be challenging.
2. Immersion: Use books, songs, and media in the minority language to help your child build familiarity.
3. Community Support: Involve friends, family, or community members who speak the language. Even small steps, like video calls with relatives, can reinforce the language.
For example, last weekend, we had a “language bonanza.” We visited Russian friends and got to hear the kids speaking Russian all evening, and the next day we met up with some Chinese families. Seeing our kids interact in both languages outside the home was amazing!
Such outings give them real-life practice and remind them that languages are tools for connecting with people.
Tip 4: Set Expectations and Boundaries
In a multilingual household, it’s essential to set clear expectations and boundaries to avoid misunderstandings. This helps create an environment where both languages are respected and valued.
Just the other day, I was chatting with the kids, and my husband overheard us saying the word “baba” (which means “dad” in Chinese). He suddenly asked, “What did papa do now?” He assumed we were saying something negative!
This kind of misunderstanding is common in mixed-language households, so setting some ground rules helps a lot.
Setting Boundaries for Language Use:
• Agree not to say negative things about each other in the other language.
• Set up a “default” language (like English) for moments when you need a shared understanding.
These small steps foster a respectful atmosphere where everyone feels included, even if things sometimes get a bit chaotic.
Tip 5: Getting into the Right Mindset: Perfection Doesn’t Exist
Finally, the most important mindset shift we’ve made is letting go of perfection.
Raising multilingual kids isn’t about perfect grammar or flawless pronunciation. If you’re striving for perfection, please remember that progress matters so much more!
After eight years of OPOL, our family still mixes languages sometimes, and yes, it can be frustrating when the kids reply in English. But we remind ourselves that these moments don’t erase the progress we’re making. If your child is learning and enjoying the process, your efforts are already paying off.
In the end, the goal is to show up, make progress together, and nurture your child’s potential as best you can.
I've created a video and blog post exploring the three mindset shifts that have transformed our journey - check them out!
Resources for Multilingual Families:
I’ve created two free resources for families raising multilingual kids:
2. Starter Guide for Multilingual Families: A 48-page guide to kick-start your multilingual journey.
And if you’re interested in more in-depth strategies, check out my full-length book, Bilingual and Trilingual Parenting 101, available on Amazon and through my online store.
Let me know if you try any of these strategies, or feel free to share your own experiences in the comments. Raising multilingual kids is a rewarding journey, and I’m here to help every step of the way!
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