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I used to think that mindset was total nonsense – just some fluffy "woo-woo" for people who don't want to take real action.
But after raising our kids to be trilingual for eight years, I’ve come to realise that mindset is absolutely essential.
It's the key to whether you’ll succeed, how happy you and your child will be during the process, and whether you’ll keep going when the going gets tough.
In this blog post and the YouTube video, I’ll share the top three mindset shifts that transformed our family’s language-learning journey. Let’s dive in!
Forget Perfection - Focus on Progress
Before we get into the first mindset shift, let me tell you a story about my husband.
My husband is Russian, and let me tell you, his Russian accent is STRONG. Like, James Bond movie villain strong! He could play the part with no special training! He’s fluent in English, but his accent is far from what you’d call “perfect.”
Now, he works in IT, and his job involves Zoom calls with team members from all over the world. One day, he was on a call with some colleagues from Poland.
They said, “Oh, we’re so glad we’re talking to you today, Kirill!” (That’s my husband’s name – not to be confused with krill, the tiny sea creatures!)
He was flattered, but asked why they were so happy.
They said, “We had a meeting with your colleague Steve yesterday, and we couldn’t understand a word!” Now, Steve (not his real name) is a Scottish guy from Glasgow, and, apparently, his thick accent was harder for them to understand than my husband’s Russian-accented English!
This brings me to the first mindset shift: perfection doesn’t exist.
It’s subjective and totally context-dependent.
The idea that my kids’ Russian or Chinese needed to be “perfect” used to really stress me out.
But if we wait for everything to be perfect, or worry that our child’s language skills won’t be flawless, we’ll never take action.
What’s the alternative?
Focus on progress, not perfection.
It’s about reading that book with your child, learning 10 new words this week, and taking small steps that add up to something amazing.
Day by day, those actions lead to incredible results.
Your child will develop good or even great proficiency in the target language.
Your child will make progress and feel pride in their achievement.
You’ll have taught yourself and your child that you can do hard things, that you can persevere.
And that, my friend, is so much more important than the nebulous idea of “perfection”.
Do NOT Compare!
Let me share a story about a close friend of mine, whom I met at work over a decade ago. She’s from Beijing, China, as is her husband. Their daughter was born here in the UK and is now nine years old.
My friend and her husband are both native Mandarin speakers, and they’ve always spoken Mandarin at home. Without even following any specific strategy, their daughter has been raised bilingual from birth – Mandarin at home and English in school. It was all so effortless.
A couple of years ago, we met up after not seeing each other for a while, and I was amazed at how perfect her daughter’s Mandarin was! She spoke like she’d just stepped off the streets of Beijing – perfect accent and everything.
Naturally, I found myself comparing my kids’ Mandarin to hers and feeling a little deflated. Oh no, our kids’ Chinese isn’t anywhere near that level, I thought.
Fast forward to more recently, when we caught up again after another couple of years. I noticed that her daughter, while still able to speak Mandarin, was now mostly speaking to her parents in English. She seemed a bit reluctant to use Mandarin. My friend mentioned that it’s been a bit of a struggle lately – keeping her daughter interested in Mandarin isn’t as easy as it once was. And, interestingly, she mentioned that she thought her daughter had developed a strong accent!
This brings me to the second mindset shift that’s transformed our journey: DO NOT compare your child to others.
It’s tempting to look at another child and think, “Wow, their language skills are amazing – why isn’t my child at that level?” But comparing your child to others is a surefire way to lose sight of the incredible progress they’ve made.
Looking back, I can see how unhelpful it was to feel bad about our kids’ progress just because I compared them to my friend’s daughter. Our family circumstances are completely different!
We have three languages in the mix at home, whereas my friend’s family only speaks Mandarin at home. Plus, they spend every summer in China, which is a huge advantage.
But even if our situations were identical, comparing my kids to hers – or anyone else’s – would still be pointless.
In fact, it’s harmful.
When you focus too much on what other children are doing, you lose sight of what your own child has achieved. And that’s what truly matters.
Instead of focusing on what your child can’t do yet, try to appreciate how far they’ve come.
I often remind myself: It’s amazing that my kids can understand and speak three languages, even if it’s not perfect.
It’s incredible that they’re learning to read and write in three languages, even if they can’t yet write an essay in Chinese or breeze through War and Peace in Russian.
But hey, who’s to say they won’t one day?
Your child is unique. As parents, we need to honour that and respect that.
In Chinese culture, comparing your child to others is practically an "art form". It’s not uncommon to hear things like, “Oh, your cousin got into Harvard – how come you only got into Yale?” Or, “Your third uncle’s son works at Goldman Sachs and makes 200K a year. Why are you just working at Deutsche Bank?”
The comparison culture runs deep.
If you’ve experienced this kind of toxic parenting, drop a comment – I’d love to know I’m not alone!
I know it’s hard, REALLY hard, not to compare your children to others, especially when social media is constantly bombarding us with images of seemingly perfect kids with their “perfect” parents.
It’s tough to avoid feeling like we’re falling behind.
But we MUST avoid this trap.
Remember: comparison is the thief of joy.
Comparison is the thief of joy
It’s toxic, it’s unhelpful, and it’s unfair to our children. It doesn’t encourage their growth, and it certainly doesn’t help us enjoy the journey of raising multilingual children.
The only comparison you should make is with yourself. Take a moment to look back at where your child was a year ago or even six months ago. I bet they’ve made a lot more progress than you realised!
For example, my kids have been reading a series of graded readers in Chinese based on Disney stories for several years now. We’re currently on Level 5, which, according to the book, is equivalent to pre-school level in China.
If I were in that old mindset of constant comparison, I might think, Oh no, my kids are falling behind!
But instead, I think, Hmm, last year we were still on Level 2, and they’ve learned a few hundred more characters since then. We’re actually doing great!
They’ve made progress. And that’s what matters.
Progress is the only thing we should be focusing on.
Celebrate it!
Find The Joy In the Process
Now for the third mindset shift, and this one’s fun. Let’s start with a little story.
One day, I was reading a book with my kids – a Chinese version of The Ugly Duckling. There’s a part where the word “tian e” (天鹅) comes up, which means “swan.” My son recognised the character for “sky” (tian) but got stuck on “e” (goose).
After thinking for a second, he said, “Oh! It’s tian ya – (sky duck)!”
We laughed so hard we had tears in our eyes!
“Sky duck” became a family joke, and it reminded me that language learning should be fun. This brings me to the third mindset shift: find joy in the process. It’s easy to treat teaching your kids as a grind, but the more fun you have, the more they’ll learn.
These days, we always try to find something to giggle about in a story – we're on a quest to find our next "sky duck" moment!
I now think of the reading & writing session as a special time when I can connect with my kids without distraction, and discover knowledge and fun together.
So, Turn it into something you both look forward to. You’ll get better results and enjoy the process so much more.
So, to recap, these are the three mindset shifts I’ve adopted that have transformed our multilingual family journey: Number 1: Forget about perfection; Number 2: Do not compare!; Number 3: Find joy in the process.
If you enjoyed this blog post, go check out the next blog post (and the video) where I talk about five things I wish I knew eight years ago when we began our trilingual parenting journey!
Also, feel free to check out my book, Bilingual and Trilingual Parenting 101, which is a comprehensive guide for multilingual families which has sold 2,000+ copies on Amazon; and don't forget to check out some free resources I’ve created for multilingual families out there, including a brand new FREE EBOOK that gives you a five-step roadmap to get started! Thanks for watching, and see you in my next blog post. :)
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