Tiger Mum vs Gentle Mum: The Parenting Clash No One Talks About
- Ka Yee Meck
- Jul 25
- 7 min read
What do you picture when you hear Tiger Mum?
Strict. Demanding. Fierce.
And what about Gentle Mum?
Kind. Empathetic. Calm.
They seem like total opposites, don’t they?
But what if I told you… I’m both?
If you're new here, I’m Ka Yee – a Cambridge-educated Chinese mum raising two trilingual, multicultural kids in the UK.
I grew up with classic Chinese parenting – think discipline, respect, and sky-high academic expectations.
But recently, I read The Gentle Parenting Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, and it completely shook me. In both good ways… and not-so-good ways.
Here’s what happened when my Tiger Mum instincts clashed with the gentle parenting philosophy – and how I’ve found a way to blend the two.
What Is Gentle Parenting, Anyway?
Before diving into the "juicy" bits, let’s quickly define what we’re talking about.
Sarah Ockwell-Smith’s The Gentle Parenting Book is often considered the definitive guide to this approach. It’s all about building a deep, respectful connection with your child – rooted in empathy, emotional awareness, and trust.
It encourages parents to treat their children as they would want to be treated, guiding them with compassion rather than control.
Sounds lovely, right?
Honestly, I was surprised by how much I agreed with…
But I also had some serious reservations.
What Shocked Me Most
1. The “Duvet Day” Debate
Yes, the book says it’s okay for kids to stay home from school just because they don’t feel like going.
I’m sorry… WHAT?!
As someone raised by Chinese parents (and now self-employed for a decade), the concept of skipping responsibilities just because you “don’t feel like it” feels wild to me.
My grandmother in China worked two factory jobs to support her family – duvet days were definitely not an option!
And if I let my son skip school every time he says it’s boring, he’d never go!
While feelings are really important and we must teach ourselves and our children how to recognise and regulate them, feelings are also impermanent: they come and go.
In my opinion, showing up even when you don’t feel like it is key to building resilience.
Disclaimer: I 200% believe that adults and children alike are entitled to time off work or school if they are genuinely ill or are experiencing bereavement etc. We must have time to recover and regain our physical as well as mental strength.
But "I don't feel like it", in my view, simply isn't a valid reason to skip work/ school!
2. Toddlers Throwing Food Is “Exploring Gravity”?
Apparently, letting toddlers chuck food off the table is just them learning physics.
Okay… but what happened to setting limits?
In my home, we believe in gentle correction: “Food stays on the table.”
There’s a difference between curiosity and chaos. And no – I don’t believe in encouraging bad habits in the name of science. I personally don't see why we can't GENTLY teach young children (yes, even toddlers) that throwing food on the floor during mealtimes is not appropriate behaviour.
Of course, we should absolutely allow children to explore – but perhaps in more appropriate contexts, like during playtime or "messy play" sessions?
3. No Homework in the Early Years?
Ockwell-Smith argues that homework isn’t necessary in early childhood.
And sure, research broadly supports a play-based approach…
But from my experience, a little structure goes a long way.
We do 30 minutes of Chinese or Russian reading/writing each night – starting from when the kids were just 3 or 4.
It’s not pressured, but it’s consistent. And that’s key – it is, I believe, possible to build discipline, concentration and perseverance without undue pressure!
A balanced approach might just be the sweet spot.
4. Are We Over-Validating Emotions?
Another central theme in the book: All feelings are valid.
Always acknowledge.
Always empathise.
And yes – emotional intelligence is important. But I worry that constant validation can slip into emotional entitlement.
Should we let our kids skip hard things just because they’re bored or frustrated?
No (if you ask me!)
Sometimes you have to push through. That’s how grit is built.
My son may not love studying Chinese every time – but he still shows up. And when he sticks it out, I praise that effort.
Let me share something with you. The other day, my son told me that he's happy that he can speak Chinese, because he's read somewhere that "Chinese is apparently one of the most difficult languages to learn"!
That moment really validated my belief that doing hard things is the key to REAL self-esteem and healthy self-pride.
Over-validating emotions without teaching coping skills can actually reduce emotional resilience, according to research from Emotion and Psychological Science.
So yes, we acknowledge emotions – but we also teach that feelings aren’t in charge.
What I Loved About Gentle Parenting
Still, it wasn’t all disagreement.
Far from it, actually!
Here are some aspects of Gentle Parenting that I absolutely love.
✨ Breaking Generational Cycles
Ockwell-Smith talks about how parenting is shaped by how we were raised – and how we have the power to change the script.
That hit me hard.
My family, like many Chinese families (and perhaps like ALL families), carries generational trauma. My grandmother raised my mum harshly – why?
Because she herself endured an unimaginably harsh childhood (I won't go into too much personal detail here but, trust me, it was "Dickensian"-level harsh!)
My mum, in turn, did better. Much better, indeed… But still, the scars remain.
Gentle parenting gives us a new path forward, and that's extremely powerful.
✨ Emotional Regulation Starts With Us, the Parent
This. Is. Gold.
I used to snap. A lot. But then burnout hit me like a freight train last year, which led me to discover tools like CBT, mindfulness, and journaling... The results have been nothing short of transformative.
I'm happier. My kids are happier. My husband is happier. Even our cat is... Well. Our cat is the same!
So, seeing this transformation firsthand, I can attest to the power of the "emotional regulation starts with us" philosophy.
Gentle parenting helped me realise: we’re not just raising kids – we’re modelling how to be human.
✨ Connection Comes First
When I slow down and connect with my kids – everything else falls into place.
Whether we’re reading, chatting about school, or just being silly, that connection is the glue that holds our routines together.
This is something that was true in my own childhood too, but no one articulated it so eloquently back then.
The Internal Clash… And How I’m Blending Both Styles
So, which side am I on? Camp "Tiger", or Camp "Gentle"...?
Here’s the thing:
I’m not a Tiger Mum.
And I’m not a Gentle Mum.
I’m… something in between.
And I believe many of us – especially parents raising multicultural, multilingual kids – are in this exact same place.
So, how am I making it work? Here are some practices that I implement in our own life and which may be helpful to you, too.
Lead with Empathy, but Hold the Boundary
If my child says, “I don’t want to do my homework,” I don’t dismiss the feeling.
I say, “I know, it’s tough – sometimes I don’t want to work either.”
But then I follow with, “Let’s take a break and then come back to it. Because it still needs to get done.”
So, in short: Validate the feeling, but keep the boundary.
Prioritise Connection, But Keep the Routine
In our home, we have 30 minutes of reading and writing in Chinese and Russian each night.
It’s (mostly) non-negotiable – but we also make it an opportunity to connect! I sometimes tell them stories from my childhood, inspired by something we read in a book. I also let the kids have some say in what we do – for example, right now, we’re building a website together but incorporating Chinese learning into it!
So connection and daily routines can in fact co-exist.
In short: Structure doesn’t have to feel restrictive – we can reframe it as a way to build connection.
Model Emotional Regulation, AND Resilience
When I’m stressed, I tell my children: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to take a few deep breaths.”
When I’ve pushed through a tough day: “That wasn’t easy – but I did what I had to do because it's important to me/ us as a family.”
I even get the kids to meditate with me sometimes (which always results in some giggles...)!
We show our kids how to cope with our feelings… and how to keep going.
Praise Effort, Not Outcome
Traditionally, Chinese parenting is very outcome-based, which I believe is unhealthy. We've "evolved" from that philsophy and instead choose to focus on effort and progress, NOT outcome. Why? Because outcome is beyond our control, while effort is fully within our control
So, instead of “You’re so smart!”, I say something along the lines of: “I’m proud of you for sticking with it, even when it was tough. I knew you were so capable.”
Final Thoughts
Maybe we don’t have to choose sides.
You can raise kids who are both emotionally attuned and resilient.
Who feel deeply loved, but also know that life takes effort.
Who are kind – and capable.
If you’ve ever felt torn between two parenting styles — you’re not alone.
And you don’t have to pick one.
You can build your own path – one that draws from both traditions, shaped by your values, your culture, and your child.
And if you want to go deeper, check out my related post:
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