My (Trilingual) Son Didn’t Want to Learn Chinese Anymore – These 3 Things Changed Everything

A few months ago, something happened that hit me right in the gut.

My 8-year-old son looked up at me during our daily Chinese study session and said:

"I don’t want to study Chinese. I’m only doing this because YOU want me to."

Ouch.

And when I tried to reason with him, he replied:

"China and Russia aren’t the only countries in the world."

Double ouch.

If you’re raising a bilingual or trilingual child, maybe you’ve heard something like this too.

They understand everything you say, but they don’t want to speak the target language. They push back. They roll their eyes.

They ask why they have to do this when all their friends speak English.

And you’re left wondering: Am I doing something wrong? Is it worth all this effort?

Well, you’re not alone.

And no, it’s not hopeless.

In this post, I’m sharing three specific changes I made that completely turned things around.

My son went from resistance and frustration to genuinely wanting to speak Chinese again.

These strategies are practical, rooted in research, and (crucially) they’re not about forcing or bribing.

Check out my YouTube video if you prefer video format and engaging visuals!

Let’s dive in.

1. Make the Language (and Culture) Cool Again

Remember that comment my son made about China and Russia not being the only countries in the world?

Yeah. That one stung.

But his perception of China changed big time thanks to… my mum!

Yep, grandparents to the rescue.

My mum had just come back from Shanghai. She’s originally from there, and after years of not visiting (thanks, COVID), she finally went back and could NOT stop raving about it.

She showed us photos from Shanghai, Zhujiajiao, Hangzhou – and my kids were surprisingly impressed.

We then Googled other fascinating stuff in China: the train that goes through a building in Chongqing, the crazy overpass in Huangjuewan, and (of course) the Giant Panda Breeding Centre in Chengdu.

My daughter was obsessed with the baby pandas.

My son? Hooked on the idea of bubble tea for 10 yuan (about £1).

Suddenly, Chinese wasn’t just something they had to do with mummy and grandma.

It became the language of future travel adventures.

It became cool.

We started planning an imaginary trip to China. And that changed everything.

Why does this work?

So, why did this trick work so well?

Because it sparked intrinsic motivation.

According to Self-Determination Theory (SDT), people are most motivated when something feels interesting, enjoyable or meaningful.

Instead of telling my son Chinese was "useful," I showed him why it was fun. Why it mattered. Why it felt exciting.

And when the motivation came from him instead of me? That’s when the shift happened.

2. Give Them More Control

This one was tough for me as a natural "control freak" (my secret inner Tiger Mom at play here, perhaps?)

We still have a 30-minute session every day for reading and writing in Chinese.

But within that framework, I started giving my son more control.

First, I let him choose some of the books.

We use the 小羊上山 graded readers (which I love—spaced repetition, no pinyin, appealing illustrations).

But I also let him pick a fun series based on the Rabbids cartoon. That’s our "fun reading."

Second, I gave him more choice over how we use the time.

Reading and writing are non-negotiable, but we sometimes Google topics in Chinese or even chat with ChatGPT in Chinese about stuff he’s interested in.

This small shift gave him a sense of autonomy.

In Self-Determination Theory, autonomy is one of the three key pillars of motivation (alongside competence and relatedness). When kids feel like they have a choice in their learning, they become more invested.

Letting him choose didn’t mean abandoning structure. I was still guiding the process.

But by giving him some say, he started taking ownership.

And resistance went down dramatically.

3. Reduce the Pressure (Even If It Feels Counterintuitive)

Okay, here’s where I make a confession.

One day, my son started saying something in English.

Normally, I let my kids finish their sentences regardless of language – respect first, always.

But that day? I was tired. Irritable. And I snapped.

"你要讲中文! (You have to speak Chinese!)"

He looked hurt.

I felt awful.

I apologised, and we worked together to say it again in Chinese.

But that moment really stuck with me.

Because here’s the thing: When we’re frustrated, our instinct is to push harder.

But pressure creates resistance.

And frustration is contagious.

Instead, I tried a gentler approach. More empathy. Less correction. More collaboration.

And it worked.

This ties into the other two pillars of SDT: competence and relatedness.

Kids need to feel capable and emotionally connected to the people and experiences tied to the language.

If speaking Chinese feels like getting things wrong, or getting in trouble?

That does not foster the desire to learn.

But if it feels like being understood, encouraged, connected to mummy and grandma and cousins?

Then it becomes something they want to keep doing.

TLDR

These were the three mindset and strategy shifts that changed everything for us:

1. Make the language and culture exciting — Create emotional connections through stories, travel, and fun.

2. Give your child more control — Within your structure, offer real choices.
   

3. Reduce pressure, increase connection — Be gentle, not forceful. Prioritise progress over perfection.
   

I know how disheartening it is when your child rejects the language you’ve poured so much energy into.

But it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

And it doesn’t mean it’s over.

Motivation can come back.

It just needs the right conditions to grow.

If you want to see how we first got our son to speak three languages at age three (when he only spoke English!), check out this blog post and video — it might be the missing piece you need.

You’ve got this.